Examining Christmas Traditions

After doing some in depth research into the traditions of Christmas, I wanted to share with you some interesting findings. I know many of you are wondering where certain traditions came from, like why the F do people put trees in their living room? Or why does an obese old man enjoy circumnavigating the globe in order to break into your house via the chimney? Why do people line up at 4 am to spend money they shouldn't be spending (and act like rabid animals in the process)?

We all know that God yelled: "THERE SHALL NOT SIMPLY BE BOUNCY HOUSES AND CAKE FOR MY SON FOR HIS BIRTHDAY! The world shall celebrate in unison, by buying many gifts for each other, placing a tree in their living room, and praying to my son! And I shall have a giant fat man in a bright red suit bring presents to all the faithful Christians in the world! AND SO IT WAS WRITTEN, AND SO IT SHALL BE!!!" But what does it all mean?

First, let's take a deeper look at Santa Claus. You know, the fat dude in the red suit. What are his origins? How has he lived for thousands of years, and what sort of technology does he use to get his reindeer to fly around the world? What is (and was) his relationship to Jesus? If you look on Wikipedia, you will find some convoluted story about St. Nicholas and him being a patron saint for the poor blah blah blah... Here is the truth:

Santa was created by God to help Jesus (and the rest of the world) celebrate his birthday. God did not want Jesus (his only son) to have a crappy, normal birthday with cake and bouncy houses like the rest of the kids on Earth. So God gave Santa a place to live in the North Pole, made him fat, dressed him in a bright red suit, and gave him a milk and cookie addiction so Santa could not run away and take his special gift giving and partying abilities to anyone else (like Satan or Muhammad).

Now, as you can see from the image above, God had Santa look over Jesus from an early age. Santa of course needed transportation to travel the world and remind everyone that it is Jesus' birthday (by giving all the good boys and girls presents). So, God used his ultimate power and wisdom to think up the fastest mode of transportation possible! FLYING REINDEER! The only flying reindeer known to exist. God also made Santa promise to take Jesus on a world tour before his death, which of course Santa could now do easily with the use of his magical mode of travel. And still to this day, Santa lives in the North Pole, gorging himself on cookies and milk, patiently waiting for Jesus' birthday so he can once again help the world celebrate his virgin birth.
Now why do people decide to cut down perfectly healthy trees and place them in their houses? Again, Wikipedia will tell some story about Germanic origins, or Martin Luther decorating a tree in his house to symbolize the way stars shined at night. More BS. God wanted the celebration of his only son to be the biggest celebration in all of the world! So even when people were in the comfort of their homes, he wanted a tree to be dying and leaving its pine needles everywhere to remind people that Jesus is all around them, and may be in the form of a pine needle. Also, Jesus loved to climb trees as a child, and was an architect (using wood to build) so looking at a tree reminds us of his fondness for trees and lumber. And as you can clearly see in the picture above, if a christmas tree is cut down and NOT placed inside a house, it bursts into flames.

A more recent trend is the wonderful shopping addiction that people around the world have come to embrace. Mostly in the United States, people have decided that "I WILL NOT WAIT UNTIL 10 AM TO START MY SHOPPING AFTER THANKSGIVING!!! I SHALL SHOP STARTING AT 4 AM!!!" And on top of that, these normal shoppers do not let ANYTHING (especially people) stand in their way. Some great video here, here (get your ass up and out of the way, lady! I AM TRYIN TO SHOP FOR JESUS!), here and here, and here shows just how dedicated people are to spend their money to respect and honor Jesus' birthday. And these videos also show that while people love spending their money for Jesus, it is MUCH more important to buy things on sale. If something is awesome at full price, it is WAY MORE awesome at 30% off.

So I hope I was able to clear up some of the misconceptions and lies about the wonderful holiday that celebrates the virgin birth of Jesus Christ. Happy Virgin Birth of Jesus Christ to Everyone!